Order of The Fez
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I was shaving my pubes this morning, and it got me thinking. Why does MTV’s The Real World piss me off so much, and exactly what parts of their lives are “real”? I thought long and hard about it, and this caused temporary paralysis on the left side of my body. However, I was able to put my finger on a few of the issues I have with the show, as well as some solutions to make it better.
Why The Real World isn’t “real”
The only time 8 people live together in a house is if they are part of a Mexican family. Since we all know Mexicans do not count as real people, you can understand why I disagree with 8 people living together. It is immoral and will lead to sexual activity with someone of the opposite race, or worse, a cutter.
Not everyone lives in large suburban areas like San Francisco, New York, London, etc. The worst location they chose was Cancun. Are you fucking kidding me? Cancun is your idea of the real world, MTV? Put these people in Montgomery, Alabama, and then we’ll see how real it gets.
The people that room together at the house have nothing in common. You would not catch me dead in a house with a homosexual, a tranny, a pussy, or a cutter. I have enough drama in my life. I don’t need someone bleeding on me for attention.
Their jobs are bullshit. One season, the roommates’ job was to go to an improve theatre and learn how to be funny. In Cancun, their job was to be tour guides for spring breakers. On the current season, they are all doing volunteer work. With these fantasy jobs, there’s no way they could actually afford the utilities for the hedonistic lair they live in.
Everybody that lives in the house is beautiful. When the
guys take off their shirts, it’s like being at a male strip club. It’s very hard to hide my erection. I cannot remember a fat person ever being cast on the show. I'm not complaining, though, because fat people should be shot. Just kidding. They are disgusting, though.
After the show, they don’t go back to their normal lives and contemplate suicide like everyone else. They get to go on challenges and compete for hundreds of thousands of dollars. The only way this will happen to me is if those assholes at Wheel of Fortune ever return my calls.
Basically, the cast of The Real World is something you would find at a halfway house in north Hollywood. In order for it to be “real”, some changes must be made. These are some solutions that I have come up with.
Making The Real World a Little More Accurate
Have everyone in the house be of the same race. I don’t care if it’s all Asian, Hispanic, white, whatever. In the real world, races try not to intermingle very often, unless it’s at a high school social or an S&M party.
Give them real world jobs. Some examples would be: janitor, circus clown, or my personal favorite, laundromat attendant. Give them real world wages and make them pay for all of their sinful activities at night. Let’s see how long they’re laughing when Uncle Sam says “Fuck you”.
These people don’t need an incredibly tricked out house. Give them a 3-bedroom apartment and let them fight it out for rooms and personal space. If they want to act like they’re still in college, let them live like they’re still in college. Good luck having pre-marital sex now.
Speaking of college, why is there an age limit on the show? If you want the real world, let the creepy 65-year-old man hooked on Cialis bunk with them for a few months. Allow the 45-year-old cougar to come in and teach the young men a thing or two about rim jobs. There is too much segregation right now. Let’s bring everyone together, like the war in Iraq.
Last but not least, introduce the roommates to our current economy by randomly firing a few of them. Let’s see if we can support our “family” of 8 with WIC.
I would watch this latest version, and if MTV reads this, I think it will happen. Until then, The Real World will still be a vice of mine that will haunt my dreams forever.
With Love,
Dr. Brandon
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